My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
