I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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