i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize