you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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