just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
