my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
