I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
