Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
