Already got asked if we're dating
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
