Soap is not a condiment
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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