One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
