My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Randomize
