my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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