Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Congratulations! We have a period
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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