he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize