Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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