and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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