Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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