nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
