Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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