i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
