if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Dicks are not precious.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize