i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
