I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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