My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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