theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
