I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
