Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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