I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
