I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
