so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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