Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
