i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
