I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
