Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
