Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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