I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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