Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
