It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
