I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
