I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
