M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
