Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
organizing the empties. That sober.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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