Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
