Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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