Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
