and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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