One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
