Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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