I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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