she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
