I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize