I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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