my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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