end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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