Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i love accidental penises.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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