I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
