I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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