Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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