Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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