I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
