gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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